Asking Eric: I’m keeping my burial plan a secret, even from my wife

Dear Eric I am very much enjoying the second time around following a long and less than joyful first marriage Related Articles Asking Eric My daughter says she s a minimalist and won t take my heirlooms Asking Eric Why did they text me and then leave me hanging Asking Eric I informed the neighbor and it turned out wilder than I had imagined Asking Eric It s going to get back to my husband that I m not being nice Asking Eric My lazy son-in-law is a lot like me That makes me furious My dilemma is plans for burial All of our children are terribly against our marriage even though both of our spouses were deceased at the time we met Our children have virtually no relationship with us now and if there is any contact it is ugly I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored My wife s mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death and her father is buried with a subsequent wife so there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father How do I get what I want I have not discussed any of this with my wife If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife She has done that for less If I am to get a plot I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply While living I would feel great contentment if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity Am I being silly to not just take the easy direction Burial Conflict Dear Plans You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love And this might be controversial you don t have to tell your kids If you have virtually no relationship as it is you certainly don t need to bend to their wishes It seems there s no pleasing them anyway In general it s better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one s end-of-life in advance This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you re still around to answer them But the conflict that s roiling your family complicates things Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage I can t say your kids are thoroughly wrong but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning Perhaps they re struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief perhaps there s something else going on that I m not privy too Either way the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now Once you re both on the same page you ll know what the next step is That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor That last part is allegedly wise regardless There would still be a lot of complications of curriculum Namely one of you will predecease the other and at that point presumably the kids would find out the plan So while you are working on doing what brings you pleasure I d also encourage you to get down to the root of what s going on with your kids Dear Eric I have a scarce words of encouragement for the young lady whose grandmother had developed dementia Loving Granddaughter My mom passed away years ago from Parkinson s illness and dementia I am in my late s now but I remember my experience like it was the previous day This loving granddaughter should visit her grandma as much as viable Take that time to learn all about her grandma Talk with her and ask a lot of questions about her life While mom was alive we thanked God for the time she spent with us Her life was much more thought-provoking and fascinating than I ever knew Her childhood her adolescence her marriage to my dad their families the world during her life and much more It gave me great insight into mom s thoughts life and her dreams Interestingly the staff at the nursing home communicated us that we were quite unique in visiting mom every day because a large number of families never visit their elders but rather dump them off and leave them Related Articles Harriette Cole I want to make the the greater part of my summer abroad Do I need to warn my boyfriend Miss Manners Is there a polite way to satisfy my curiosity about the waitress Dear Abby After one date he was calling me baby and he flipped out at my cooldown text Asking Eric My daughter says she s a minimalist and won t take my heirlooms Dear Abby My brother left me an accidental voicemail I wasn t supposed to hear Embrace this time and give thanks that you have this time with her before she is gone God bless this young lady for caring for her grandma so much Loving Son Dear Loving Son This is wonderful advice Numerous readers responded to the letter in similar means Others suggested using photo albums or music to start conversations or pull back older memories which may be more graspable to more modern events One reader also suggested the book Creating Moments of Happiness by Jolene Brackey I ve identified it to be a wonderful stock Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com